Saturday, May 1, 2010

Feeling Introspective and Trying to Get Perspective

I think about my Blog all the time. I have so many thoughts that I'd like to write about but so little time/energy to do so. Some of the thoughts are a bit random. Others are dark. Lots are amusing. Right now, I am feeling as exhausted as I've ever felt (maybe even more than the late days of pregnancy!). I'm sleeping well at night (thanks to Ativan) but it doesn't seem to make a huge dent in the overall tired side effect that is month 5 of chemotherapy. I'm not shocked by this (and neither are my caregivers) but I do feel a little annoyed with my inability to go full tilt.

Things that make me feel good (in random order):

Getting emails from people - especially when they don't complain about me not replying in a timely fashion!

Shopping (mostly online) - especially when it's not for cancer-y things ALTHOUGH I did get to spoil myself at Hermes the other day:

Eating - this is a BAD thing and sometimes causes its own problems - like eating tonnes of salty snacks the other day and getting mouth sores from it (brilliant). I definitely like having my comfort foods though, anything starchy/carby, you name it, I'm eating it.

Working Out - with my trainer I enjoy my work outs (which, due to the previous comments is fortunate) but am only working out about 4 times in 2 weeks. I try not to dwell on this low number, but at the same time, I am starting to gain some weight. Perhaps less eating is in order? Nah.

Fantasizing about vacations - seeing we cancelled all of our trips (California and France) until July, I enjoy thinking about where we will go once I get the green light. We already have a few things booked and I am really excited about getting out of Calgary for a while. I like this city, and fortunately we had a very mild winter, but I don't recall ever being stuck in the city all winter before. It sucked.

Dreaming about being healthy - and dreaming about being back in great shape and taking tennis lessons, playing golf, and being in the sun (although I won't be in the sun much this summer due to side effects of chemo).

Thinking about a big celebration party - we would like to do something, maybe in August? Get super fancied up and feel good about myself, sounds like a good time!

Looking forward to being a "good" Mom again - I try my best. I really do. Sometimes though, with the fatigue especially, it is difficult to have patience. I lose my mind at least 5 times a week I'm sure! I think this will even out once I can become a more active participant in their lives again. Going to the pool, the mall, out for lunch....I can't wait for all of those things!

Looking forward to being present as a wife/partner again - I am extraordinarily lucky to have the husband I do. He's been supportive beyond what I thought was possible and puts up with all of my crankiness and moods. I'm excited to be fun again in his eyes. Here is my incredible man (and btw, I say this EVEN THOUGH I'm mad about all of his travelling this month!!! haha)

Of course, I am also filled with other thoughts these days, especially nearing the end of my treatment. I don't want to write about these thoughts right now. They are there, hidden away in the dark corners of my brain. I have fears and negativity. I am far from the perfect cancer warrior. I am human.

I am still also thinking a lot about the lack of information about blood cancers that is out there. People assume ALL THE TIME that I have breast cancer. Perhaps I need to bring Lymphoma's "sexy back" - not that it ever was sexy (that I know of anyway!!). I will do something for Lymphoma awareness once this is all done. I promise it.

1 comment:

  1. Karla... you are an amazing mom now... we all get impatient - even the healthy moms!!! The fact that this is important to you show how great of a mom you really are.

    Give yourself some love... you have done sooo much in such a short time.. Your life was completely turned around... it will take time but you will find yourself feeling 'normal' again soon.

    OK big HUGS from me!!!