Sunday, May 9, 2010

Oh Eyebrows Where Art Thou?

I'm not going to say I've ever had a STRONG eyebrow or bushy caterpillars framing my eyes, but this is a bit ridiculous. There is hardly anything left of my eyebrows and, like most of the other hair on my body, it's fallen out in the most gradual fashion you could imagine. Again, not like I'm a super hairy person, but still, this is basically like having no eyebrow, and as you know, no eyebrow, no expression! I'm "ok" at filling them in with powder, but if they get any thinner, I'm not sure how I'll do it. The other curious hair-related item is that my armpit hair has apparently completely fallen out. This is strange because my leg hair is still growing (yet thin and slowly). I just don't understand (not that I'm exactly MISSING my armpit hair) but, what else is new?

This is my big sister Jo-Ann and I at chemo last week. Unfortunately for her, it was the LONGEST wait ever for a treatment (took over an hour before we were called) and we had a grumpy nurse. Other than that, we were allowed a mostly uninterrupted visit (rare since we both have little ones) which was a treat. Treatment actually went at break-neck speed and we were out of there fairly quickly.

This past week I really started to realize that I'm not bouncing back from treatment as easily as I did at the beginning. Not a shock but I once again cancelled my training appointment, napped a few of the afternoons and went to bed super early every night. The kids (ok the 4 year old) were exhausting at bath/bedtime, mainly because Daddy was in London this week. He's home now until Tuesday (when he goes to Toronto until Wednesday night) and then he leaves Saturday for Scotland. Sigh.

Saturday, May 1, 2010

Feeling Introspective and Trying to Get Perspective

I think about my Blog all the time. I have so many thoughts that I'd like to write about but so little time/energy to do so. Some of the thoughts are a bit random. Others are dark. Lots are amusing. Right now, I am feeling as exhausted as I've ever felt (maybe even more than the late days of pregnancy!). I'm sleeping well at night (thanks to Ativan) but it doesn't seem to make a huge dent in the overall tired side effect that is month 5 of chemotherapy. I'm not shocked by this (and neither are my caregivers) but I do feel a little annoyed with my inability to go full tilt.

Things that make me feel good (in random order):

Getting emails from people - especially when they don't complain about me not replying in a timely fashion!

Shopping (mostly online) - especially when it's not for cancer-y things ALTHOUGH I did get to spoil myself at Hermes the other day:

Eating - this is a BAD thing and sometimes causes its own problems - like eating tonnes of salty snacks the other day and getting mouth sores from it (brilliant). I definitely like having my comfort foods though, anything starchy/carby, you name it, I'm eating it.

Working Out - with my trainer I enjoy my work outs (which, due to the previous comments is fortunate) but am only working out about 4 times in 2 weeks. I try not to dwell on this low number, but at the same time, I am starting to gain some weight. Perhaps less eating is in order? Nah.

Fantasizing about vacations - seeing we cancelled all of our trips (California and France) until July, I enjoy thinking about where we will go once I get the green light. We already have a few things booked and I am really excited about getting out of Calgary for a while. I like this city, and fortunately we had a very mild winter, but I don't recall ever being stuck in the city all winter before. It sucked.

Dreaming about being healthy - and dreaming about being back in great shape and taking tennis lessons, playing golf, and being in the sun (although I won't be in the sun much this summer due to side effects of chemo).

Thinking about a big celebration party - we would like to do something, maybe in August? Get super fancied up and feel good about myself, sounds like a good time!

Looking forward to being a "good" Mom again - I try my best. I really do. Sometimes though, with the fatigue especially, it is difficult to have patience. I lose my mind at least 5 times a week I'm sure! I think this will even out once I can become a more active participant in their lives again. Going to the pool, the mall, out for lunch....I can't wait for all of those things!

Looking forward to being present as a wife/partner again - I am extraordinarily lucky to have the husband I do. He's been supportive beyond what I thought was possible and puts up with all of my crankiness and moods. I'm excited to be fun again in his eyes. Here is my incredible man (and btw, I say this EVEN THOUGH I'm mad about all of his travelling this month!!! haha)

Of course, I am also filled with other thoughts these days, especially nearing the end of my treatment. I don't want to write about these thoughts right now. They are there, hidden away in the dark corners of my brain. I have fears and negativity. I am far from the perfect cancer warrior. I am human.

I am still also thinking a lot about the lack of information about blood cancers that is out there. People assume ALL THE TIME that I have breast cancer. Perhaps I need to bring Lymphoma's "sexy back" - not that it ever was sexy (that I know of anyway!!). I will do something for Lymphoma awareness once this is all done. I promise it.