Thursday, February 11, 2010

I Just Haven't Felt Like Myself...

or looked like myself for that matter! It's been a while since I posted anything. I suppose that deserves some explanation. Last week I was actually feeling pretty down. I cut my hair off last Sunday (it's a great cut, happy with it), then on Wednesday I started getting a really sore mouth and a swollen tongue. My mouth hurt so much by Friday morning that I was tearing up while eating my toast before my appointment at the TBCC. Not fun. My appointment was ridiculously long. I had to wait 45 minutes just to get my blood drawn and then another half hour to see the nurses/doctor and then another hour and some to get my test results. I'm not going to lie, I was getting very annoyed and grumpy. So I started to cry. I cried when I talked to the Hematologist's nurse "C". She was just so understanding and I guess it opened the floodgates of emotion. She examined my mouth and told me that I had some sores (caused by the chemo) and that my tongue was also swollen due to the chemo. Apparently when your white blood cell counts go so low, your mucous that keeps your mouth healthy practically disappears (which probably explains the sore throats I've been struggling with as well) and sores/ulcers can form. My main sore was underneath the base of my tongue and everytime my swollen tongue caught on my molars - OUCH! It was like a firecracker in my mouth.

"S" also came in to see me when she heard I was weepy. Sigh. I hate being weepy. She said that it was totally normal to be upset and we had an interesting discussion of what was upsetting me most (more tears). You see, I don't look like myself. I don't feel like myself. I am NOT myself. It's very frustrating for me to see the slow decline in my ability and attitude. It's even hard to admit that things are changing. I suppose I should try to embrace change, but if I'm to be honest, I'm just not quite there yet. I thought I was. I feel a bit like a failure. The reason I feel like a failure is that Hodgkin's Lymphoma is supposed to be the "good" cancer. "C" and "S" both laughed at me when I told them this well-known fact. C said "yeah, 5 years from now when you are totally cured, it's a great one to have". And S said, "your chemo is not EASIER than anyone else's, this is going to be the most difficult 6 months of your life". It's a dose of reality and I wanted to share it because sometimes I feel like I shouldn't complain, that I don't have the "right" to complain because I don't have breast cancer or something more "serious". I'm sad to report that it's not all sunshine and roses with my friend the Hodge. I'm tired a lot. The whole mouth thing is not cool. My hair keeps falling out. It's winter and I don't get to leave and have a sunny holiday. I'm short with my kids. Ok, I'm short with everyone. I wish I could do a little better and hopefully as I continue this unexpected journey, I will learn how to deal with things a little better.

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