Monday, November 30, 2009

Freaking out and the Waiting Game

So last night I freaked out. I got sad, scared, angry, confused, and anxious all at once. I guess it was about time. I want to be strong for everyone, including myself, but once in a while, I suppose, you just have to cry.

Anyway, I heard from the nurse practitioner today and my CT (neck to pelvis) is scheduled for Friday in High River. Woohoo! Road trip! I talked to "S" (nurse practitioner) a few times today as I told her about my freakage outage and also asked her a ton of questions (most of which she could not give a definitive answer to but tried her best anyway to appease me). I found out that, if the surgical biopsy on my neck lymph node comes back the way they expect, I am likely to be given ABVD chemotherapy, 6 cycles. I'm not entirely sure that I understand what 6 "cycles" are but it sounds like I'll be getting treatment for 6 months to a year. My reaction to this wasn't great but I really got choked when I asked her about my hair. I could write an entire blog post on this topic alone. I am very likely to lose my hair. This may seem a trivial issue to some people but for me, it's like, why don't you just kick me when I'm down? No matter what my weight, shape, or size, I've been a fan of my hair. It's fine, I have a lot of it, and it's always been something people comment on. So the big question is....Am I a bald kind of girl rockin' the scarves or am I a wig kind of girl? Sigh. I wish I didn't have to find out.

Moving on...S also suggested getting my Mom out here for extra support during this waiting game. She acknowledges it's the most difficult part and that my Mom would probably appreciate seeing me and knowing that I'm "ok". I think it's a great idea and also, hopefully, will take a little stress off of my husband who definitely has a LOT on his plate right now. So I'm hoping to fly Mom in on Wednesday and perhaps she can accompany me to my CT scan and will be here for the surgical biopsy (which we are hoping is early-ish next week). I already feel calmer knowing that she'll be here - what is it about having your Mom around that just makes everything better?

I've also made some decisions on my personal training/working out. I am going to shoot for 3 work outs a week (2 less than normal) in order to maintain my weight and keep up my strength. I'll work out with my trainer until it's not possible or not recommended and he promised he'll try to work around my schedule. I had a thought though, what do I wear on my head when I'm bald and I'm working out and sweaty? Hmmm, I'll have to figure that one out.

I need to get a good night sleep tonight as last night was a waste. Hoping that I don't have a repeat tonight and I can increase my energy levels a bit for my training session.


  1. You are one of the strongest women I know, and will rock a fantastic Hermes scarf like nobody's business! We love you, and are always there for you for whatever you need!

  2. This is a journey you will not have to go alone. I already told Craig last week that if you loose your hair, I will too. I have some plans already to make it an amazing experience to try and balance the scariness of it all. Besides, it might be our only chance to see what shape our noggins really are and see which of our kids REALLY have our head shape.

    Glad to hear Mom will be coming out to give you some additiona support.